It was only a matter of time before this spew of frustration happened. (mmm what an image that is for you) Over the past month or so I have been relentlessly job hunting. This may be one of the most painful experiences as an adult because job means money, money means bills get paid and yada yada so it's fundamental. I think by now I have applied for a strong 40-50 positions to only get the automated name change rejection email. I was lucky with one and got a second interview but it went nowhere. Thus where the frustration begins.
I wrote a post about why I didn't go to university a while back, and as much as I still stand by what I said in it, I still get the university gremlins on my shoulder reminding me that maybe with a degree I could be getting somewhere instead of wanting to smash my face into my laptop every evening.
Now before I go any further, I know how the internet can be so as a sort of but not really disclaimer I know I'm lucky to be in work (even though my contract could be stopped tomorrow or the next day and so on) I know I'm fortunate to have had an education which allowed me to gain qualifications. I fear that I'm going to come across very ungrateful and bitter in this post which is probably justified albeit not the intention but I hope you can see where I'm coming from.
If someone asks "What do you do?" I don't feel embarrassed by my job title because my job is a good job, it's just not that glamorous, nor what I want to be doing especially if the person posing the question has a brilliant job and holds a genuine love or passion for it. So I guess yes, you can say I'm jealous of those individuals however a bunch of my friends are these types and I hold nothing but admiration for them as I know how much effort they put in and deserve their successes. Oh what d'ya know Trudy's comparing herself to others again. BUT finally I have an idea on what I can do and thanks to the not so glamorous but worthwhile jobs I have the skills needed to fulfill the role. Then we tackle the experience issue. How does one gain experience if no one is willing to allow you to get the experience? It's another one of life's never ending cycles. It's disheartening to receive email after email basically telling you you're just not that good enough - even worse if you're a pessimist.
I'm not being unrealistic and applying to be a fancy pants director because I'm not an idiot. I understand how hard the industry/industries I want to work in are - typical choices eh? Anyway, but I know that I CAN do it. For once, in a very long time I feel confident in myself to do something. AND THAT NEVER HAPPENS. Seriously, ask any of my friends and they will tell you I have little to no self belief in most instances. I just want to wake up happy and look forward to going to work rather than count down the hours until I can go home. I don't want to be making mega bucks because for me I just don't see the point, just enough so I can live comfortably which lets face it with our government is an unlikely dream for many of us, of this generation. Thanks to the middle/upper/whatever he is class white man in a fancy house laughing at us peasants whilst burning money. (Yeah, that's a thing that actually happened) I am absolutely terrified that I'm never going to move out and be living at home until my late 30's. I mean what a desirable factor for the dating aspect of life, or if you're me, a lack of. A girl needs to buy some nice branded biscuits rather than Tesco's own for 89p from time to time you know?
It's come to the point where my friends have had to grab me by the shoulders and shake me whilst yelling "You're 20, you don't need to figure everything out! You have SO MUCH TIME!" I think that's one of my worst traits. I am so unbelievably hard on myself and that's not just career wise. All I wish is to do well for myself, work hard and be successful as would anyone. It even took an 60 something man in Costa today, whilst needing some help getting to the bin, to tell me that my aspirations were valid and important. It was one of those weird life signs that you think only happen in cheesy films, so thanks whoever you are. You're a good type of stranger.
So for anyone in the same boat, as much as everything I've just said just wants to make you crawl into a ball and just watch Netflix and live a life fueled by gin, keep on going. Apply for jobs even if you don't hit all the requirements because you never know what may happen. Someone may give you that chance you've waited months for. You don't always have to settle. I for one don't want to be a person who wished they went after what they wanted too late. I BELIEVE IN YA (I don't know how much value that holds but roll with it)
So that's another installment of Trudy's having a crisis. I'm off to Slam Dunk Festival this weekend so if any of you spot me, it will probably be at the bar. Let me know your thoughts below.
*photo from pinterest, here.