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If you told me six months ago I would be stripping off in front of a camera I would have laughed in your face. The truth is my perception of myself towards the end of last year took a really hard swift kick to it's hypothetical balls. My best friend once put it this way to me, you wouldn't ignore an issue with your heart so why are you ignoring your brain?

Depression and anxiety can totally creep up on you and suddenly without even having time to notice it, everything becomes a bit of a shit storm. It's like someone is standing on your chest and pressing a little harder and harder even though you're begging them to stop but your brain is also telling you it's not that bad and you're overreacting. I guess I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy and that's why it felt like everything was just falling apart and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I didn't feel like I was good enough or deserving of my job, my friends and even new people coming into my life and that is one of the most isolating and hardest things to feel. I would get ready to go out with my friends and feel like nothing I put on would make me feel good. That it wouldn't fit right or fit at all and people would notice that I had gained weight. I would be so hard on myself for not being able to fit into a size 8 anymore, which is ridiculous.



It was feeling overwhelmed by every little thing and not wanting to leave the safety of my bedroom or going to places such as gigs and leaving half way through because I could feel myself start to panic. Everything just felt so fragile. It's wanting to scream "hi I can't help it, I really wish this isn't how my brain works at times" but feeling like it's falling on deaf ears. It's messy and ugly, but that doesn't make you messy and ugly. It in no way makes you weak or a terrible person, it makes you human. In fact, I think it makes you a pretty strong human at that.

The sweet irony of this all is just how happy I am now and how much I've grown within a few months of changing my perspective*. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a talker and I am extremely honest (which is a blessing but also a curse at times) so for me talking helped me more than anything else I tried. I'm pretty sure I've repeated myself over and over to my friends until I was blue in the face. I'm learning to love myself, flaws and all. I'm never going to be the girl on Instagram who has the perfected makeup, annoyingly good natural cheekbones and is the image of perfection to everyone around her, and that's okay. (and that's no shade to those girls because have you seen them? They are god damn angels)  I am smart. I am kind. I am important. I am fucking hilarious and I am a such a weirdo when I want to be. I am loved. I'm allowed to feel beautiful. I'm proud of myself for becoming the woman I want to be and most importantly, I am and have always been good enough. 

So here's my plan:
  1. To stop apologising for almost everything I do, for the way I look, for texting people I want to talk to, for wanting to make plans with people or for how I feel. 
  2. Not be so hard on myself when situations don't pan out how I'd hoped.
  3. To remember that standing up for yourself does not make you a bitch, it's knowing what you'll accept and what you won't and hey, if that makes you a bitch then so be it. 
  4. To stop trying to rush through life because I'm not in the same place as my peers, I'll have my time.
  5. To not compare myself to other girls because I'm not the same size as them, wish I had their face or wish my boobs were like theirs. I am the only me this world's going to get and that's pretty cool.
  6.  Realise some people are just not going to like you and there is nothing you can do about it. You don't need to care what other people think of you so much.
  7.  To be kinder to myself, to treat myself how I treat my friends and those I care about.
  8.  To know my worth and value myself.
  9.  To see the positives in other people.
  10. To know that everything will be alright, even if it doesn't feel like it.

I cannot thank Alex enough for giving me the boost of confidence I have needed and making me feel so comfortable in my own skin. One of the best things to learn, is how to love yourself. Cliche as it is, it turns out to be pretty great.

Cue a dramatic sing along to The Greatest Love of All by our queen Whitney Houston whilst I sass off into the distance.

*obviously it takes much more than a change of mind. I wish it was a simple as that and that this all comes in waves. There are so many places that offer support and help such as Mind, The Samaritans and Stem or discussing it with a GP, friends or family. 

5 comments

  1. Yes Trudy! I'm SO happy for you and you look bloody FLAWLESS! I'm so glad you've learnt to love yourself and now you can see how fab you are! I know we have met a few times and I mainly know you from social media, but I've really seen such a positive change in you over the last year and it's lovely to see. (Hope that doesn't sound weird ahaha!)

    I definitely need to work on some of the things you mentioned but I'm sure we'll get there! I hope we can catch up soon! :)

    Ps. Your selfies ARE my Insta goals!

    Tania xx

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  2. Nice article, thank you for the sharing

    GlassesShop

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  3. Hi, I just came across your Instagram and then your blog. Really loved reading your above post, I can relate to a lot you mentioned but especially learning to love yourself. I've been trying to work on that lately. Thanks for sharing your experience and your plan.

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    Replies
    1. Hello! Sorry for such an overdue reply but thank you so much and I hope you're doing well x

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